


Born-Again Expanded

by Hallemcready



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Coda, Episode: s07e17 The Born-Again Identity, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Pining Dean, Pre-Slash, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-14
Updated: 2014-01-14
Packaged: 2018-01-08 18:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1135850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hallemcready/pseuds/Hallemcready
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda for 7x17, Dean's POV, Pre-Destiel </p>
<p>Dean is almost out of hope, desperate to find a solution for Sam's hell scars. Dean can't get over what happened with Cas, and he refuses to think about why, so imagine his surprise when he finds a familiar face. </p>
<p>My head-canon of Dean's thoughts/motivations</p>
            </blockquote>





	Born-Again Expanded

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't as quite as dark as some some of the tags imply, but I wouldn't want to trigger anyone. I always felt like Dean's headspace in this episode was very interesting and this is my pre-destiel interpretation.
> 
> No beta, mistakes are my own. I obviously don't own the characters, this is just for fun.

Dean shut off the radio in the car with a sigh. _The radio stations around here suck_ , he thought. He missed the Impala, he missed _his_ tapes with _his_ music on them. This whole stealing a new car every week thing was getting real old. He was most of the way to Colorado to find this Emmanuel guy. Though he was still pretty skeptical about this healer being legit, he couldn't help believing Mackey. He had seemed like a good hunter, pretty level-headed, he reminded Dean a lot of himself actually.

All he could think about, all his mind kept coming back to, was his last conversation with Sam, and how defeated he had been. Sam had given up on finding anything that would work. Sam had given up on his brother and himself. Dean knew what it was like to want to give up, to feel so utterly lost you want to drink yourself into oblivion and never wake up, but something had always pulled him back. He pointedly didn't want to think about who it was that usually pulled him back, gave him hope to continue.  _We've survived so freakin' much in our lives, why can't we make it through more thing?_ _He had_ gotten so used to figuring out something in the eleventh hour even when it seemed beyond hopeless, but the last year had really pushed him to his breaking point. He really hoped this Emmanuel guy had some answers. Dean laughed dryly to himself, _hope,_ he thought. _This is the only hope I’ve got left in me._  Dean had lost everyone, and now if he lost Sam, he would have no reason to keep trying. He wouldn't be able to keep going. Everything would just be too overwhelming.

Dean parked the car in front of a pretty nice looking house. It was big, in one of those perfect upper-middle class neighborhoods. Well-manicured yard. White-picket fences. Everything looked normal, it didn't look like anything supernatural was living there, but Dean knew no matter how normal someone or something seemed, you never could tell what was hidden inside.

Dean knocked on the dark wood door, really not sure what to expect. A pretty vanilla looking guy in a sweater and khakis answered. With an eyebrow raised, silently evaluating the man before him, Dean asked for the healer's wife Daphne Allen. He explained he was looking for Emmanuel. As Dean spoke with Mr. Vanilla on the front porch, he saw a woman tied up inside through the front window. Before he knew it the demon had thrown him against the door, shattering the glass with the back of his head.

"Whatever he is, Crowley's going to want him, a lot more than he wants you these days¸ so…"

Dean stabbed the demon with his knife, hurling him down the stairs of the front porch. He landed at the feet of a man whom Dean presumed was the real Emmanuel just arriving home. As Dean looked up at the man he froze, his breath just wouldn't come.

_Cas_ his mind supplied.  _Cas is alive._

Cas looked up finally meeting Dean's eyes. There wasn't even a flicker of recognition. Cas didn't know who Dean was.

"What was that?" He sounded like Cas. Though he wasn't dressed like Cas, Dean acknowledged that was partly because he still had the trench coat in the trunk of his car. He had brought it with him from city to city, transferring it from trunk to trunk when they had to swap cars. He had tried not to think about what that said about him, and Sam never brought it up, much to Dean's relief.

Dean needed to snap out of it,  _not Cas_ was still staring at him completely confused.  _He doesn't know who you are._  Dean finally found his voice, a little deeper than normal, sounding raw to even his own ears, "Emmanuel?" Cas nodded once.  _His mannerisms are still the same._ "We need to carry him inside before someone sees." ~~Cas~~ Emmanuel still looks confused but, not willing to question the man that just killed this thing on his front porch, he grabs the man's feet and helps Dean carry him inside. They shut the door with one last good look around to make sure they're in the clear.

Emmanuel immediately goes to the woman tied to the chair, Dean notices the intimate way his hands linger on her when he unties her, the way he meets her gaze. He doesn't know why but it makes him feel sick.

"Did that creature hurt you?"

"I'm okay… but, Emmanuel, they were looking for you."

Witnessing them makes Dean's chest constrict. He takes a deep breath and refuses to think about why exactly he feels the way he does.  _Get it together,_ _he tells himself._

"I'm Emmanuel." Emmanuel approaches, extending his hand to shake Dean's, this introduction nearly undoing the calm he's managed to gather so far.

"Dean" he stutters, clearing his throat and a little more confidant sounding he hopes, "I'm… Dean."

"Thank you for protecting my wife," Emmanuel says with genuine gratitude in his eyes.

"You're wife." Dean stutters again, mentally berating himself,  _sack up._

"I saw his face, his real face." Emmanuel says turning to Daphne.

"He was a demon," Dean answers, wondering if Emmanuel remembered what he is, or about anything at all.

"A demon walked the earth…" Emmanuel says, looking down at the floor, letting the information sink in.

"Demons… boat loads of 'em, you don't…." Dean trailed off.  _He doesn't remember anything; he doesn't know he's an angel._

"You saw the demons true face?" Daphne asks, then turning to Dean, "Emmanuel has very special gifts." She says by way of explanation.

"I've heard that about… Emmanuel." Dean says, trying to sound nonchalant. Emmanuel looks away.  _He looks almost embarrassed._ "You can heal people up."

"I seem to be able to help to a certain degree."

_Now he's humble…well too little too late._  Anger sparks in Dean and he can't help the emotions flooding through him, he takes a deep breath.

"What's your issue?" Emmanuel asks, straightening up, meeting Dean's gaze.

_Remember I'm here for Sammy._ "It's my brother." Dean tells the couple that nothing is working, that he can't lose his brother, and that he can drive Emmanuel to Sam right now. Of course Emmanuel agrees to help; Dean had just saved his wife.

Once night falls they dispose of the demon's body. Now Deans sits in the car watching Emmanuel and Daphne. He can't hear them over the roar of the engine, but he can see their body language. They definitely do  _all_  of the things couples do. Memories flash through Dean's mind, good times spent together; images of Cas doing his head tilt when he doesn’t understand one of Dean’s pop culture references, laughing so hard his sides hurt after taking Cas to that brothel, the way Dean and Cas could share a look and the rest of the world just fell away, how much comfort he found in Cas’ eyes. Then he can’t help but think about what came after. Images from the nightmares he's been having flood the forefront of his mind, nightmares that started after he thought Cas had died. He straightens up in his seat as Emmanuel opens the door and gets in. They drive in semi-comfortable silence for the better part of an hour before Dean finally speaks up.

"So Daphne's your wife?"

Emmanuel nods, "She found me, cared for me…"

"Meaning?" Dean wanted to know,  _really_  wanted to know what he remembered, how he was alive.

"Oh, it's a strange story, you may not like it."

"Believe me, I will." Dean states while looking over, using eye contact to prove his point.

That is all the encouragement Emmanuel needs, "a few months ago she was hiking by the river and I… wandered into her path… drenched and confused and… unclothed." Emmanuel looked embarrassed for the second time that night. Dean tries not to let his eyes linger on Emmanuel, as the image of him naked becomes suddenly hard to suppress, or how the idea of this woman finding him nude and vulnerable makes Dean nauseas. "I had no memory. She said God wanted her to find me."

Dean attempts to hide his skepticism, but he doesn't miss the almost cynical expression on Emmanuel’s face. "So who named you Emmanuel?" Dean surprises himself with how easily their conversation flows, making it feel like old times for a brief moment.

"Bouncing baby names dot com."

Dean fails to keep the incredulous look off of his face while recognizing how fitting the name really is. "Well it's working for you. Must be weird not knowing who you are."  _He's gonna freak when he finds out about everything, about what he did._

"It's my life, it's a good life." Emmanuel says this as if he's thought about this before, but he's already accepted it. He's okay with not knowing. Dean can't blame him there.

"And what if, you were some sort of, I dunno, a bad guy." Dean doesn't really phrase it as a question.

Emmanuel looks confused by the turn in conversation but he doesn't change the subject. "I don't feel like a bad person." He's not defensive, merely simply stating the truth.

Silence falls over the two of them, and both men are too deep in their own thoughts to care. Dean can't help but replay the events of the last few years in his mind. He thinks about how much Cas helped him, sacrificed for him. How much Dean had depended on him. Cas really had been the best friend he ever had. Dean would never admit it out loud but, he knew he took advantage of Cas. He told himself he had needed Cas' help for the greater good, that it made it okay when he never took the time to be patient with Cas, though that was a lie and deep down he knew it. He ordered Cas around and demeaned him to hide how much he really cared for the angel. He would have done anything for Cas. He assumed that Cas must have known that but, given how Dean had treated him; maybe it wasn't nearly as obvious as he thought. Dean blamed himself for what Cas did. Maybe if he had been a better friend, kinder to his angel, then Cas wouldn't have felt it necessary to hide things from him. Dean wished he had made Cas feel like he could have turned to him for help. Maybe he wouldn't have made that arrangement with Crowley at all. Dean would never forgive himself. That was part of why he was so angry with Cas, he was angry with himself. But that wasn't the worst part. The part that had him in knots, the part that hurt the most, was losing Cas. Watching him sink below the depths of that water and having nothing but that damned coat to grieve over had torn Dean apart. Losing Cas had hurt more than losing Bobby. The fact that Cas was indirectly responsible for Bobby's death made the pain even more tangled and all consuming. His best friend was sitting next to him and all he wanted to do was pull him into a bone-crushing hug. He wanted to make sure his friend wasn't going anywhere, but it wasn't really his Cas sitting there and that hurt even more. He just wanted to make sure Cas knew everything. He couldn't forgive Cas yet, he couldn't even forgive himself.

At some point, it could have been minutes or hours, Dean wasn't really sure, Emmanuel interrupted his thoughts. "So, your brother…"

"Sam." Dean provided.

"Sam…what's his diagnosis?"

"Well, it's not exactly medical."

"That should be fine. I can cure illness of a spiritual origin."

"Spiritual? Ok…" Dean hadn't ever thought to call it that exactly. The direction this conversation was taking was starting to bring his anger back to the surface.  _Spiritual my ass, you broke my brother._  "Someone did this to him." Dean's thoughts were a confusing blend of anger, hurt, and several other things he refused to name.

"You're angry."

"Well, yeah. Dude broke my brother's head. " _You broke my brother's head._

"He betrayed you this dude? He was your friend?"

Dean looked over at Emmanuel, no longer able to hide the hurt anymore as it overrode all other emotions in that moment. Even now, Emmanuel could read him like a book. Dean paused before answering. _You were more than my friend._ Dean doesn’t say that. "Yeah well, he's gone."

"Did you kill him?" Emmanuel surprises Dean and it shows all over his face. "I sense that you kill a lot of people."

Dean's taken aback. He takes a breath before answering. "I don't know if he is dead….I just know that this whole thing couldn't be messier. I used to be able to shake this stuff off. It might take me some time, but I always could. What…Cas… did, I just can't. I don't know why." Dean had spent months dodging Sam's questions and refusing think about why, it hurt too much to ask himself those questions.

"It doesn't matter why."

"Of course it matters."

"No, you're not a machine Dean, you're human… You're friends name was Cas? That's an odd name." Dean can’t hide his smirk.

Silence once again falls over the car. Dean can't help but think, why was this so much harder to let go of than everything else? He was having more trouble dealing with the aftermath of God/Cas than he did when he got back from hell. At least the memories of hell began to fade. His memories of Cas still stung like a bitch. He still drank himself to sleep every night so he wouldn't have to dream about that moment in the lab when those blue eyes looked back at him, all traces of Cas gone. That smirk on his distorted face as he threw Dean across the room, then watching Cas disappear into the lake. Sometimes he gets the trench coat out when Sam isn't around, just to hold, or look at.  _It's not like he smelled it or anything, hoping it still smelled like Cas._ He didn't want to acknowledge that was because he knew it smelled like stagnant lake water, not like his angel.

They drive in silence, each stewing in their own thoughts, for what feels like hours to Dean. Eventually he realizes this might be his only chance to get a few things off his chest. "You know, it wasn't all Cas' fault."

Emmanuel looks startled, like he had forgotten there was someone else in the car with him. He doesn't say anything though, he just looks at Dean, eyebrows furrowed, head tilted to the side, silently waiting for Dean to continue.

"If I had been a better friend to Cas… he wouldn't have been driven to do… what he did." Dean glances over at Emmanuel, trying to feel him out. He wonders if the more they talk if it won't bring back some memories for him.

"Is that why you can't forgive him?"

It was a good question. Dean paused, taking a breath, before he answered. "I guess that's probably part of it."

"Was he a good friend to you before that?" Emmanuel still had that same look on his face but now he was staring out the window, pensive and unreadable.

Dean responded barely above a whisper, "the best."

Dean and Emmanuel drive until after the sun comes up. They stop to get snacks when Dean is jumped by a couple of demons, and guess who shows up to save the day? None other than Meg, and she is the last person, the last  _thing,_ he wants to see. Despite her being useful at times, Dean still couldn't stand the sight of her. The image of Cas kissing her flashes through his mind before he squelches it. He really doesn't want to bring Meg back to Emmanuel, but the way he sees it, he doesn't really have a choice.

Emmanuel is definitely taken aback by the demon. Dean could see the fear and mistrust written all over his face,  _if only he knew._  Dean did have to admit however, the fact that Emmanuel looked past all of that, and he had accepted her so readily all because Dean said so well, that really shook Dean down to his core. Something in him recognized Dean, told him to trust Dean.  _Maybe deep down he remembers me?_

As the three of them rode in silence, Dean almost cracks himself up; it was like the start of a bad porno. Sam was always telling him to stop confusing porn with real life, but this was like the set-up of a bad joke.

"The silence is very uncomfortable. Is there something I need to know?" Emmanuel asks eventually, disturbing the tenuous truce Dean and Meg have to ignore each other.

"I don't know… Dean?" Meg says turning to Dean, a smirk playing at the edge of her mouth. She knows he doesn't want to tell Emmanuel anything at least until after he fixes Sam. She's trying to get on his nerves, and it's definitely working.

"No, Meg has that effect. Awkward, you know?"

"That must be very difficult for you." Emmanuel states, empathy pouring off of him, totally clueless to Dean's sardonic sense of humor.

"Dean was making a joke Emmanuel." Meg glares over at Dean.

"Oh…" Emmanuel chuckles.

Yes, Dean is annoyed with the situation, with Emmanuel’s complete cluelessness about everything, yet Dean likes hearing the sound of his laugh. He's only heard it a handful of times. He wonders how many times Emmanuel has laughed since walking out of the river without the benefit of his memories. Probably plenty more than he ever did before, Dean thinks.

Eventually the three of them get to the hospital where they're keeping Sam. It's dark, so they aren't noticed as they stand on the hill above, scoping the place out for demons. They find plenty of demons possessing staff and patients.

"How many of those knives do you have?" Emmanuel asks, barely concealing his anxiety.

"Just the one." Dean grunts.

"Well, forgive me but how do we get past them?"

"Yeah, Dean... Any idea how we can blast through that?" Meg is really starting to piss Dean off with the hinting around.

"Excuse us," Dean drags Meg away to remind her why they can't just tell Emmanuel everything. Meg keeps insinuating Dean hasn't told him anything because he's enjoying the time with him. That just pisses Dean off even more because she's getting very close to a truth Dean won't acknowledge. Their arguing is intense enough that they don't notice Emmanuel approaching.

"I gather we know each other." He interrupts, earning startled looks from the both of them.

"Just a dollop." Meg responds with her usual lack of charm.

"You can tell me, I'll be fine."

"How do you know? You just met yourself. I've known you for years." Dean is starting to get upset now; this isn't going at all how he wanted.

Emmanuel is looking at Dean with that furrowed expression.

"You're an angel." Meg interrupts, finally having enough of doing things Dean's way.

"I'm sorry, is that a flirtation?" Emmanuel is now looking both thoroughly confused and disgusted.

"No, it's a species. A very powerful one." Meg responds, condescending as ever.

"She's not lying. That's why you heal people… you don't eat. I'm sure there's more." Might as well lay it all out, there's no going back now.

"Why wouldn't you tell me? Being an angel, that sounds pleasant."

"It's not... it's bloody, it's corrupt…" Dean says trailing off, he doesn't want to get into much more than that.

"He would know. You used to fight together. Bestest friends actually." Now Meg is really enjoying annoying Dean.

"We were… friends?" Emmanuel asks almost hopeful.

Dean just glares at him and his lack of awareness of what a loaded question it is.

He takes a deep breath, something seems to dawn on him. "Am I Cas?" When no one responds that's all the answer he needs. "I had no idea. I don't remember you, I'm sorry."

Dean tries to hide the hurt look he is sure surfaces on his face.

"Look, you've got the juice, you can smite every demon in that lot." Meg is pleading with him to remember, to try.

"But I don't remember how…"

"It's in there. I'm sure it's just like riding a bike." Dean really is trying to help motivate Cas, but it's difficult.

"I don't know how to do that either."

Dean rolls his eyes, becoming more and more exasperated. 

"Alright I'll try." Cas begins slowly marching toward the demons guarding the building.

"This ain't gonna go well." Dean can only picture the demons ripping apart mild mannered _Emmanuel_ _._

"I don't know, I believe in the little tree-topper." Meg responds with a look that unsettles Dean.

He watches Cas walk down the hill toward the demons, half expecting he's about to witness his friends death  _again._  Dean flinches as Cas walks up to the first demon and paws at him, not quite sure what he's doing, but then something kind of amazing happens. Cas hesitates and then puts his hand to the demons head and smites him, holy light pouring out of the demon’s eyes and mouth. Dean and Meg shield their eyes, they had forgotten how blinding the power of the angel can be.

As Cas moves on to the next demon he begins to look more confident. He's starting to move like a soldier. He looks more and more like _Castiel angel of the Lord_ and less and less like _Emmanuel._  Dean is filled with something like awe watching his angel, trying to catch his breath as all of the emotions he's been desperately trying to bury threaten to overflow. When Dean sees Cas use his angel mojo to get in front of a demon trying to escape, he's pretty sure his Cas is back. As the last demon falls to the ground they make their way down the hill to Cas. He hasn't moved from where he stands over the demon's corpse, still facing away, his shoulders tense. Dean can't help the knots in his stomach as he approaches.

"Cas?" Dean asks hesitantly, not really sure what to expect.

Cas answers him with his back to Dean. "I remember you…"

As he turns around Dean is nearly knocked back by the look on his face. It's like he's only seeing him again for the first time. A look of pain and horror mar Cas' face, his piercing blue eyes now full of shame.

"I remember everything." Cas stands there a moment, trying to collect his thoughts, trying to find the words he needs to speak to his friend for the first time really. "What I did… What I became… Why didn't you tell me?" If he wasn't so filled with pain he would sound angry.

"Because Sam's dying in there-"

"-Because of me." Cas snarls at Dean, cutting him off." Everything… all these people…" Cas glances around, looking more distraught by the second, "I shouldn't be here." Cas starts to walk away, trying to escape all that he's feeling.

"Cas… Cas!" Dean yells after him. "You stay here." Dean growls at Meg. She knows enough to stay out of this one, that only Dean has a shot at talking Cas down now.

Dean follows Cas back up the hill, trying to reason with him. "You remember, you know you did the best you could at the time."

"Don't defend me Dean. Do you have any idea the death toll in heaven…  _on Earth!_  We didn't part friends Dean." Cas looks right at Dean,  _into Dean._

"So what?" Dean responds, a little breathless. He had forgotten how intense it can be to be under Cas' gaze. It feels like Cas is looking _through_ him, god how he missed it though.

"I deserved to die. I can't possibly fix it, so why did I even walk out of that river?" Cas' voice breaks at the last part, eyes glassy.

"Maybe to fix it… Wait." Dean remembers something. This is the way he can show Cas who he really is, that Dean has always remembered.

The look on Cas' face, when he sees the coat Dean pulls out of the trunk, floors him.

"You kept it?" His voice is small, Dean barely hears him. Cas sees all of the pain on Dean's face that he’s been trying to bury. Cas looks ashamed and something else… something Dean doesn't have the energy to examine right now.

"Of course... I always believed you'd come back." The vulnerability of the moment makes Dean's heart race. It's been so long since he shared intensity like this with Cas, the air heavy, crackling around them.  

Cas takes the coat from Dean and puts it on. Despite the blood stains it just looks…  _right._ He givesDean the slightest of nods and after a deep breath, marches past Dean down the hill. He's determined now to save Sam. If he ever hopes to redeem himself to Dean, this is where he starts. Dean watches after him for a moment, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. He realizes how much he really  _missed_ Cas. It was an ache so deep it threatened to swallow him. 

_Cas is back now, he's going to save Sam._  

Dean watches Cas' determined march for another few seconds before trailing behind him.

  _Cas is really back._

Dean and Cas separate once they get into the hospital. Dean goes straight for Sam's room, when he doesn't find him there he starts to panic. With all of the demons that have shown up he really hopes Cas finds him first. All at once Cas appears in the room, fingers pressed to Sam's head, as he lays him down on the bed.

"Sam?" Dean approaches his brother. He still looks disoriented and lost. Sam looks away toward an empty chair by the bed and doesn't seem to notice Dean is there. Dean assumes he must be seeing Lucifer by the way the empty chair seems to be annoying his brother. Dean snaps at Cas, "What are you waiting for? Fix him."

"I can't." Cas says quietly, looking very defeated.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"The wall crumbled. There's nothing left, the pieces were crushed to dust by whatever is going on his head." Cas looks absolutely devastated. He had hoped this would be the thing he could do to start to repair things between him and Dean. Ever since his memories came flooding back to him, so has the desire to redeem himself to the elder Winchester.

Dean slumps back against the wall. He knew there would be no saving Sam. He had just refused to admit it to himself. Now he’s angry for allowing himself to hope. Dean's ashamed to admit that a small part of him is relieved. Not to be losing Sam, that is devastating, but that the fight is over. He's so tired of fighting. He's knows that he did everything he could, but it still hadn't been enough. _I’ve failed again_. If Cas can't fix him then what else is there? He had thought he would just give up if he couldn't save Sam, but now that Cas is back… Dean might stick around.

"This isn't a problem I can make disappear Dean, I think you know that…" Cas pauses, his voice filled with sorrow when suddenly determination floods his features. "But I may be able to shift it."

"Shift it?" Dean asks as he watches Cas slowly approach his brother.

"I'll be fine, it's better this way."

"Cas, what are you going to do?" Dean's panicking now. What does he mean don't worry about him?  _I can't lose you again, I just got you back._

Cas rolls his sleeve up and reaches for Sam, telling him how sorry he is. Sam tries to scramble back, obviously hallucinating. As Cas touches Sam's head and this red energy works its way up his arm and into Cas' mind, Dean is stunned silent. Then suddenly, Sam is gasping for air, as Dean realizes he’s himself again. Cas backs himself up against the wall, wearing the same frightened look that Sam had, when it dawns on Dean what Cas has done.

"Cas? Are you okay?" Dean approaches him hesitantly. When Cas doesn't respond, Dean stumbles back as the loss hits him all over again, he feels so lost. 

_Why can't I have my brother back and keep Cas. Why can't I have both?_

After they realize what Cas had done, Dean insists they can't bring Cas with them.

_I can't look at his face every day knowing there's nothing I can do for him, it would break me all over again._ _He doesn’t say this though he’s pretty sure Sam knows anyway._

Dean can't forgive himself as he looks into the room and watches Cas sitting on that hospital bed, unmoving. He doesn't want to leave him in that place, but he has to make the best of this second chance he and his brother have, to clean up Cas' mess. It’s the only way Dean can begin to forgive himself. Dean makes himself a promise then and there, that he will find a way to save Cas from Sam's insanity. He will get Cas back again. Right now he will find a way to defeat the Leviathans, but after that, Dean will save Cas. He has to. He missed him too damn much.


End file.
